Happy New Year

Dear Madigan,

Happy New Year.

And I say that with all the love and hope I can muster, as 2014 really sucked. For the both of us. And I can't help but feel that your father moving out was my fault. I am his wife, after all. And it certainly wasn't you. You are the one bright spot in our lives. Perhaps the only one at the moment. And so I need to apologize to you. Because marriage is so much harder than I ever imagined. And it's a minefield. And it's completely unfair that you have to suffer because of our lack of commitment. And communication.

To be honest...I'm not sure exactly what prompted this all. I do know that over the course of the past year I've learned a whole lot about what it takes to have some semblance of a successful, loving marriage because of the failures I've endured. So I wanted to share with you what I think you'll need to keep in mind for your future partner.

No matter what...don't go to bed angry. Kiss and make up. No matter what the argument, it's important to know that your partner still loves and respects you. And that a good night's sleep will change your perspective. But make the effort. Forgive. And kiss.

Greet your partner when they come home. It may be an effort...especially when you're snuggled up on the couch watching your favorite show, but it's important for your partner to know how happy you are to see them.

Listen. Really listen. Without a counter argument. Without thinking of what you're going to say next. Take a deep breath and listen even when you don't like what you're hearing.

Take time for each other. Especially once you start a family. It's far too easy to be consumed with the kids...but focusing solely on the kids makes your partner feel insignificant.

Commit PDA. Not in a grand fashion. But continue to take your partner's hand in the car. In public. Share a kiss. It's healthy for kids to see the love their parents share. And it keeps the romance alive.

Put your family first. No job is ever more important than the people you love and who love you back. Make sure your people know that. That they come first. That you choose them. Because they're who matter in the end.

Spend time together. And that doesn't mean you have to spend money. Some of the best moments are free. So plan an adventure into the woods. Or by the water. Disconnect from your technology and connect with your partner. Those are the moments that will remain as memories.

Take time for yourself. That may mean in solitude. Or it may mean connecting with friends. But taking that time rejuvenates you. And when you return to your loved ones, you're not the only one who will have benefitted.

Maintain friendships outside your relationship. That too takes work. Withdrawing from friends is easy. Especially when you have a family to focus on. But your friendships shaped the person you are. They ground you and remind you of your past and where you came from. And those people will support you in becoming who you are in the future. Plus...they'll always know just what to say to embarrass you and make you laugh.

Laugh. A lot. Nothing is more fulfilling than making your partner smile. And laugh. Keep the humor in your relationship. It may just be enough to get you through on the darkest days.

Never stop writing love notes. And meaning them. Leave them in spots where they'll be found when you've already left for the day. So that even when you're not physically there...you simply can't be forgotten.

I hope that someday...when you're old enough...you'll read this and understand how much I loved your father. And how much I failed him. And he me. And you realize that while we were unequipped to salvage our marriage...we were lucky that it resulted in you.

Marriage is wonderful. And heartbreaking. And sometimes it doesn't work. But no one talks about their failures until it's too late. To save themselves. Or future marriages. I am determined not to let that happen to you. I hope you never have to worry about any of these issues. That you and your partner remain committed and respectful. That because of your own experience of your parent's failed marriage...that you strive to make your marriage healthy and lasting. That is my wish.

And as for 2015...I wish for peace, calm, joy, laughter, and love. For both of us. I am not ready to give up on love. I know it requires patience, respect, loyalty, faith, laughter. And most importantly...perseverance. Thankfully, I have plenty of the latter to spare.

Happy New Year, Madigan.

Love, Mom